Welcome to Deliciously, the newsletter for people who love to eat, drink, and travel. Every Thursday, by 3 p.m., you’ll receive the tastiest stories from Africa’s dining tables. Forward to someone!
Welcome to another edition of your favourite newsletter. We know it’s your favourite newsletter because it’s sort of the only newsletter you open anyway. We are bringing today’s episode to you in time for you to read and get to bed early, so you can wake up by 4:50 am to make breakfast for your partner otherwise…
Of course, today’s newsletter is about THAT. You didn’t think we would pass on the chance to jump on the most phenomenal topic Naija Twitter has seen since the new year started, did you? Plus we needed to take advantage of this debacle before Yul Edochie goes on another Instagram meltdown about his marital life to redirect attention to himself.
In case you haven’t been following MummyZee’s miraculous transformation story (perhaps you live in a cave or you use the Airtel network for data), here’s a quick recap of the tea:
A woman on X (tbh the name change was so unnecessary because “Twitter” banged better) tweeted about being forced to wake up at 4:50 A.M to cook for her husband so he doesn’t get snatched by his female colleague who had suddenly decided to bring an extra spoon for the husband to eat at work.
Feminists on X weren’t having any of this, and they pointed out that the man was deliberately putting the woman in a position where he preys on her insecurities to force her to inconvenience herself.
Of course, the Patriarchy FC wasn’t going to take this affront lying down, so they rallied behind MummyZee and put their money where their mouth was. Within a few days, they raised enough money for their new patriarchal ally and even though at this point we are no longer certain how much money has been raised, it’s clear that MummyZee now has more money in donations than the entire GDP of Malawi.
There are of course lessons to be learned from this. What sort of Nigerian would I be if I didn’t create a masterclass out of every situation on the internet? Plus waking up at 4 am has never been a problem for me. There’s an unproven theory that it’s around that time that prayers (and curses) are most potent.
But cooking semo at 4:50 am is another kettle of fish, because there’s barely any reward in that exercise.
However, as a company that cares about food, we have enumerated ways in which you can manage the situation better without having to put yourself through the harrowing strains of turning Poundo yam before dawn in order to keep your husband.
- Get a refrigerator and a microwave: It’s simple really. Make the meal as a late dinner, refrigerate it, and all you have to do the next morning is microwave it. However, this might not be as simple as I put it because a refrigerator and microwave are luxuries to certain people. I recognise this privilege and I don’t take it for granted. We give thanks to God that the good people of X have funded MummyZee to get these tools.
- Stick to simple meals: No matter your best intentions, turning eba at 4 am goes against the very essence of Christ’s crucifixion on the cross. Make stew at night so all you have to do is boil rice in the morning when you wake up. This takes just 15 minutes and when it’s done you can get back to bed.
- Be an adult: It’s really simple. As a man, just wake up and make your own meal like a well-groomed adult.
- Don’t get married: To be honest, if you don’t get married you won’t have to worry about waking up at 4 am to cook for anybody. Just focus on your cat, whose needs are more demanding than anyone you’ll ever marry.
- Give up on the competition: For real, isn’t it too much stress to be worrying about who’s snatching your husband from you or not? Just leave the battle to God and hope that your competition is a terrible cook.
I could give more points but you people are reading this for free, hence I don’t get paid enough to expose all the secrets to a happy marriage to you all. But in case you have any plans of stocking up on bulk food items for your 4 am cookathon, do not hesitate to use the Vendease App for your purchases. We deliver right to your doorstep.
Till next week, see you again.
