The last time a woman whom I was intimate with took me to dinner, we were to meet at Turaka at 7 p.m. The plan was to spend the evening basking in the open air, enjoying rare clean air and a waterfront view from one of Victoria Island’s chillest spots after a hard day at work. We would spend three hours and leave at 11 because it was a Thursday night, and we needed to be at work the next day. 

I was staying at Admiralty at the time while she lived in Yaba. So naturally, I got there first, at a few minutes to seven. But between trying on a thousand outfits — we agreed to be casual but never trust a Lagos woman’s fashion plans — and Lagos traffic slowing down to a crawl, she arrived around 8:30 p.m. What she didn’t plan for was to spend the first 5 minutes apologising for tardiness to a man who was ready to leave after waiting for over an hour. 

If you live in Lagos, you know half the plans you make aren’t in your control. We usually manage to get by, but it gets worse for non-essential things like dating. There are so many hurdles to cross in meeting people for a meal, and you must have lots of willpower. First, you have to negotiate on the date itself; that’s the easiest hurdle: either you can meet or you can’t. Once you decide, you move into the trickier part of the negotiation: where to meet. 

With a work meeting, it’s easy; whoever has more power and initiates lunch or dinner gets to decide — after all, bills on them. On the other hand, if you need something from a colleague and you suggest meeting for brunch, the only way they’ll be willing to come to a place close to you is if it happens to be close to them as well. With dating, it’s a little more complicated.

Then the next hurdle: what kind of food? You have to negotiate with your date, especially if they’re a picky eater because restaurant dates in Lagos aren’t cheap. You don’t want to ruin a potential good evening by going to an Asian restaurant if your date isn’t very adventurous. Of course, this won’t apply if your date is a Lagos babe and will end up ordering pasta anyways. Eventually, you reach the fourth and last hurdle: choosing the time. You must never forget that you live in Lagos and picking a time is a mere suggestion. I’ve set an appointment for Sunday evening before when the roads are supposed to be free, and I still spent one hour on a 12-minute trip.

But that’s not all. When meeting a friend or a love interest for a meal, there is still the dilemma of who will travel more. In Lagos, almost all the great spots are on the island metropolis. Suppose someone living in Oniru keeps suggesting Ikoyi or VI (where most of the coolest restaurants are); in that case, you (who lives in Okota or Ikeja) might soon become resentful. For recurring dinners with friends, you might hear someone say, “Ah, but I keep coming to the Island; it’s your turn to come to the mainland, please.”

Two weeks ago, I wanted to meet with someone I’d been flirting with for dinner. She lives in Ajah-Sangotedo; I live in Ogudu. She suggested we meet in a cafe around Chevron. I wanted to meet up in Ikoyi, somewhere more… halfway. She has a car; I don’t. So I’d have to spend — asides from the cost of our dinner — about ₦14k for a round trip on Uber or Bolt. Ultimately, we compromised and had dinner in Lekki Phase 1. It would still cost me quite a bit in cab fare and time in traffic, but it was either that or I called off the date entirely.

I watch a lot of Nollywood and never see any sign of these constraints. It’s almost like everyone lives close to each other and can afford dates regularly. In real life, though, unless two people are both relatively wealthy and in the unlikely scenario that they live close to each other, almost everywhere is a long-distance relationship in Lagos. 

You’re more likely to see couples who date from Ojota and Iyana Ipaja than young partners who live in Lekki and Ikoyi and can see each other often. Heck, we had people trending for travelling from Berger to Ajah to hook up a couple years ago. Yet, on Twitter, no one ever talks about these hurdles during overflogged arguments about how much is too cheap for a date. 

Even though social media folks hate to admit it, more people take public transport everywhere, including dinner. There is also the harsh reality that dates flop more often than not; if not, everyone would be meeting their life partners after their first dates. And for many young people with limited incomes in an ailing economy, dating involves careful financial planning. 

I once saw someone get ratioed to death on Twitter for saying he wouldn’t spend more than ₦20k on a first date because what if your vibes don’t match? He said investing more than that amount in dates with multiple people was too much. The ratio was weird because the tweet author made some sense. Most people don’t want to go all out on a first date when they’re not sure yet if they might bond with their date for the evening. 

The average Lagos Joe will hate himself if he spends upwards of ₦30k on a restaurant date and finds out 20 minutes in that his date might not be the right person for him. In a country nicknamed the world’s poverty capital, unless you’re in the top 2-5%, no, most people do not visit fancy restaurants on first dates. A 25-30-year-old entry/mid-level 9-5er can only pay for so many nice dinners and ₦7k cocktails for two before their finances crash and burn. (Of course, if you invite someone on a date, you should cover the bills.)

I love restaurant dates in Lagos, but navigating this giant clusterfuck of chaos sometimes makes the idea of planning one drown me in stress. Yet, even when I’m not initiating it, a woman inviting me to dinner and asking me the question, “Where would you like to go?” can fill me with such anxiety that I want to run away immediately. So, on the one hand, I appreciate that my wants count and that she cares enough to include me in an intimate decision-making process. But on the other hand, I’m a super-indecisive person, and I still need to consider her constraints. After all, she must also cross the four hurdles of planning a restaurant date in Lagos.

A friend also in the dating scene recently told me that a man who can plan a date, cover all the bases, and ensure that all she needs to do is show up would be a massive turn-on for her. “Must be nice,” I said.