Welcome to the newsletter for people who love to eat, drink, and travel. Every Thursday, by 3 p.m., you’ll receive the tastiest stories from Africa’s dining tables. Forward to someone!
The people who bring their own home-cooked meals: _01HH2AAZYCNHB5GFB8CW0NE9SF.gif) It’s December, and in a few more days, many city people will pack big boxes and go on road trips to their villages. Everyone knows that spending Christmas and New Year’s Day in the village is a different experience. And since the cost of flying in December is of ritualistic proportions, many people will travel by road. Food is a large part of road trips, and many people have memorable (not necessarily positive memories) of eating while travelling. Our road trip culinary choices are a window into our personalities. So, let’s take a detour through the gastronomic landscape of travel habits. These people are typically dropped off by their parents. Or they are travelling with children. Before the journey even starts, they are already eating. And it’s always something generic like yam porridge or concoction rice. The journey has barely started, and the whole bus already smells like iru. Ten minutes into the trip and they are done eating. Of course, you will see them tearing into meat again when the bus stops at an eatery for people to eat. |
The Swallow-or-Nothing People: _01HH2AHCC08Y4S4TGQ65V9JMWH.gif) Some people (men in their 30s; men who grew up in a village) like to eat something solid, like fufu or very strong eba; the type that tickles the throat and makes eyes water on the way down. The type that everyone turns around to look at you because they can hear you when you swallow. As a man, you need to dominate your food. These are the men Shallipopi was referring to when he said, “Men Mount.” |
| The Rice-geng: Some people (by people, I mean Women) have a blood covenant with rice. They’ll eat rice at home, work, owambes, and funerals. and still eat rice when they are on a road trip. If the old wives’ tale of the food growing from their heads were true, they’d be walking around as rice plants. These people are obsessed with rice. And not even bougie rice like fried rice, jollof rice, or coconut rice, just plain white rice and stew. Extra point if it is served in a 555 stainless steel plate. Repent from your rice ways. Try something new. I’m a new Text block ready for your content. |
| The Adventurous People: These middle-aged men order beans or something interesting they haven’t tried before. These people will order crocodile meat if it is on the menu. They don’t mind that women are giving them filthy looks of disgust; they will order beans, or crocodile, or monkey head and chow it down. And they will fart during the rest of the journey and look very unbothered. These are the egbon adugbos in their forties. They’re unmarried and still live in their one-bedroom flat at Ipaja or Ketu with a kitchen they can barely fit into. They don’t care who gets offended and why. They will eat beans on the road trip. And fart throughout the entire journey. And snore. And they will be completely unbothered. Deal with it. |
| The Secondary School/University Babes: Teenagers and young adults. They don’t like food that will embarrass them and make them look uncool. So they’ll eat snacks all through the journey. They are always nursing a bottle of Diet Coke and Shortbread biscuit. They don’t make eye contact with anyone and are on their phones scrolling for the entire 10-hour journey. The bougie ones will eat two apples for the journey because coolness is greater than hunger. And the aesthetics of eating apples is right up there. Older people that eat only pounded yam and bushmeat: Men in their 60s. They, too, like the egbon adugbos, know exactly what they want. They tell the driver which eatery to stop at. They stand over the pot of soup and take their time to pick out the meat they like. And they never eat regular meat. It has to be bushmeat, typically grasscutter, or something with a gamey flavour. The pounded yam must be pounded fresh and it must contain sweat from the faces of the women pounding it. Everyone knows that’s what takes pounded yam from 10 to 100. They take their time to finish their food, eat their meat, and pick their teeth with toothpicks before they rejoin the bus. It doesn’t matter if the driver has been honking for ten minutes. The purgers:  They’re almost always women. Occasionally, there’s an unfortunate guy. For these people, it doesn’t matter what they eat; it will cause diarrhoea. They’ll blame the food, the cooks, the ingredients, their in-laws, their father’s other wife, and everyone on the bus. They will blame everyone but themselves and their weak stomachs. They’ll stop the journey fourteen times to poop on the road. And they will swear never to eat on the road again. They’ll swear to bring their own food next time. But sure enough, you’ll sit beside Mama Nkechi this year on your way home, and she will purge again. Last week on Deliciously: Exploring Nigerians’ complicated relationship with sushi So there you have it—the culinary circus- the Nigerian road trip food experience. Nigerians will always eat, no matter what is happening in the country. When you embark on your road trip this December, observe the feast around you. Which of these are you? |
